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My new Hate List -
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Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you

Ed
« It's Me!A haiku for later. »

My new Hate List

Permalink 12/18/06 at 04:58:13 pm, by Ed, 423 words   English (US)
Categories: General

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A revised list of hate, for future reference:

  • Wireless devices. They never work like they say they do on the package, and I never smile like the people on the package either.
  • Battery companies. You just know that Wonka already invented the everlasting battery, but they took several of his loompa's hostage so he wouldn't release it. They're making a fortune every Christmas, and you know what I get out of it? Dead batteries in about two years.
  • Fluid dynamics. Seriously, you know how much simpler life would be without it? I'll tell you one thing, we wouldn't have ears. Everything would be visual, and I wouldn't have to worry about frickin' streaming audio. Or splashing myself with water. Or water at all.
  • Tape. The sticky kind. Especially Scotch-brand black electrical tape, which isn't nearly so sticky as I would like, and leaves behind a greater residue in a day than a month of not sweeping under the sofa, and I'm dead serious.
  • Geography. Why couldn't we all just live on a perfectly circular, flat continent with concentric rings of water called Circle Lake 1, Circle Lake 2, etc. with the land masses called Circular Land A, Circular Land B, etc. And it's humus all the way down to the core. All the way. Also, every point on the planet is always equidistant from the sun, which casts rays in all directions, not just straight out. I think I've adequately covered my hatred for climates and soils.
  • Wireless Devices. I think I've already mentioned this one. But seriously. They don't make sense in most cases. There are wired versions that work just fine, and the things you're making wireless don't even move anyway! I think this can combine with my hate for the battery companies. Until they make wireless electricity, wireless devices stay on my list twice.
  • Dogs. Dogs.
  • Dinky stupid little staplers that can only staple through one friggin' piece of paper at a time.
  • Ball-point pens. What's wrong with a pencil, people? Or if you really need it to be permanent, I've got a knife, we can use my blood.
  • "Upgrading". They call it a new driver. Heck, they released it only days ago. Now my video card breaks every time I play a 3D game. Screw you, ATI. Screw. You.

That is all. You have been notified. If I punch you in the face, expect your name to soon appear on this list.

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