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« It's Me!A haiku for later. »

My new Hate List

Permalink 12/18/06 at 04:58:13 pm, by Ed, 423 words   English (US)
Categories: General

A revised list of hate, for future reference:

  • Wireless devices. They never work like they say they do on the package, and I never smile like the people on the package either.
  • Battery companies. You just know that Wonka already invented the everlasting battery, but they took several of his loompa's hostage so he wouldn't release it. They're making a fortune every Christmas, and you know what I get out of it? Dead batteries in about two years.
  • Fluid dynamics. Seriously, you know how much simpler life would be without it? I'll tell you one thing, we wouldn't have ears. Everything would be visual, and I wouldn't have to worry about frickin' streaming audio. Or splashing myself with water. Or water at all.
  • Tape. The sticky kind. Especially Scotch-brand black electrical tape, which isn't nearly so sticky as I would like, and leaves behind a greater residue in a day than a month of not sweeping under the sofa, and I'm dead serious.
  • Geography. Why couldn't we all just live on a perfectly circular, flat continent with concentric rings of water called Circle Lake 1, Circle Lake 2, etc. with the land masses called Circular Land A, Circular Land B, etc. And it's humus all the way down to the core. All the way. Also, every point on the planet is always equidistant from the sun, which casts rays in all directions, not just straight out. I think I've adequately covered my hatred for climates and soils.
  • Wireless Devices. I think I've already mentioned this one. But seriously. They don't make sense in most cases. There are wired versions that work just fine, and the things you're making wireless don't even move anyway! I think this can combine with my hate for the battery companies. Until they make wireless electricity, wireless devices stay on my list twice.
  • Dogs. Dogs.
  • Dinky stupid little staplers that can only staple through one friggin' piece of paper at a time.
  • Ball-point pens. What's wrong with a pencil, people? Or if you really need it to be permanent, I've got a knife, we can use my blood.
  • "Upgrading". They call it a new driver. Heck, they released it only days ago. Now my video card breaks every time I play a 3D game. Screw you, ATI. Screw. You.

That is all. You have been notified. If I punch you in the face, expect your name to soon appear on this list.

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