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Now there's a game I'd play -
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Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you

Ed
« Cruel WorldHigh self expectations »

Now there's a game I'd play

Permalink 10/08/10 at 09:23:16 pm, by Ed, 955 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

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You awake in a dark room. You have no idea how you arrived here, and you find that you have a splitting headache. The room is dank, smelling slightly of urine. After a moment, you realize it's probably yours. You've never woken up and not had to go to the bathroom before today. Or tonight. You're not sure when it is right now either.

] inventory

You check your pockets. Unfortunately, you apparently like cargo pants. And you like using them. You have:

1. A rolled up newspaper
2. An Skeleton Key
3. A slightly bent 5.25" floppy disk
4. Dapper Dan Hair Pomade
5. Ye Olde Flask
6. A half-eaten dog treat
7. A plastic sandwich baggy
8. A Ticket
9. A Huff
10. A small rock

] examine bag

You hold the plastic bag up to what little light there is. It contains what you are almost entirely sure is not a sandwich. It makes a smoosh noise when you put it back. You're almost sure you could see something move in it out of the corner of your eye.

] examine rock

It's your Philosopher's Stone, which you used to disprove your Philosophy 101 teacher about the inherent nature of shared experience when you threw it at him through his office window. Actually, it's just a rock. It might not even be part of your inventory. It could just be that junk that gets in your pockets from washing your clothes with other stuff at the same time.

] look

You're in a dark room. The only source of light is from what appears to be some glowing lichen growing on the ceiling in the corner. Without it, you'd likely be eaten by a grue. You're lying on a bed butted up against the wall opposite a closed door. The light is insufficient to make out any detail about the door, but you can see some footprints on the floor left in what you hope is just dust, and a scrape along where the door probably recently opened.

] get up

You get out of the bed. You immediately regret this action as you hit your head on the ceiling. After a moment of rubbing your new bruise, you hunch over so that you can stand up as straight as you can.

] open door

You make your way to the door. What you wished was dust turns out to be extremely thick spiderwebs covering the floor. You discover this as you see dozens of spiders scatter as you take every step. You are completely grossed out by this. As you find no handle on the door, you attempt to push it. It doesn't budge

] use key on door

You take the skeleton key and, seeing no key hole in the door, toss it casually in the direction of the door. It makes a satisfying *thunk* as it bounces off onto the floor. When you stoop to retrieve it, more spider scatter from your fingertips as they brush the floor. Eeeewwwww.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy, wooden door. Judging by clown in the corner pointing and laughing at you, it is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] look clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy wooden door. It is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] what happened to the clown?

I don't understand. Try giving short, concise declarative statements. Do as I say, not as I do.

] wtf? Where'd the clown go?

I don't understand. Using punctuation makes it harder for me to tell what you're trying to say.

] Don't get snippy with me. I can scroll up and see the clown from like 10 seconds ago. What'd you do with the clown?

I don't understand. Tell me things to do. Starting with something like "Don't" is a good sign that you're not telling me to "Do" something.

] DO tell me what happened to the clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look corner

You can see some sort of glowing lichen on the ceiling, casting the only light available, giving a cadaverous gleam to the room. On the floor, you see a pile of what you hope are dead flies, but you're pretty sure are, in fact, still quite alive.

] no, the other corner

What other corner?

] the one with the clown

Give up on the damn clown! He's gone, okay? He had to go to his son's soccer game. He promised he'd be there, and he promised that he wouldn't come in his work clothes, because that always embarrasses his son, so he had to go wash off his makeup, and find some regular street clothes. Seriously. Just give him a goddamn break.

] how did he get out?

I don't understand. Tell me to do things. I can't answer questions.

] tell me how the clown got out

What the hell? I told you to drop the clown!

] drop clown

That's better. Now, can we move along? I suggest looking at more of the stuff in your pockets, for a start

] examine ticket

...okay not that. Look at something else

] examine ticket

Seriously, dude. Look at something else. You don't want to know

] examine f-ing ticket

Fine! Fine. It's a ticket to see the circus. You happy now?

] use ticket

On what?

] use ticket on clown

That's it. I've had enough. The spiders crawl over the lichen. It's completely dark. You're eaten by a grue. You lose.

Total score: 0 of 100. Actually, you know what? Because you wouldn't give up on the damn clown, your score is -1.

PermalinkPermalink
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