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The Drummer Boy's Lament

Permalink 01/15/11 at 09:18:56 am, by Ed, 453 words   English (US)
Categories: General

"Come," they told me. "A newborn king to see," they told me! "Bring your drum and play for him"

What they forgot to say—what they neglected to mention is that, "Oh, Reggie our drummer is sick and we're performing at Nazareth Inn next Thursday, and since you've already got your drum, could you please fill in for him?"

Well, NO, I can't fill in for Reggie your drummer who's out sick at Nazareth Inn next Thursday! I don't work pro bono. Which is to say, I didn't play drums for Bono, and I won't play drums for you, not without some sort of monetary compensation.

Yeah, no I see you've got the frankincense there, I don't want that. But you, I see, have some gold there, which you're obviously willing to part with, what with it being already wrapped nicely up in a gift box. You can just hand that over now and say you chipped in on the myrrh or something.

What kind of present is gold, anyway? Who are you trying to impress? What, are you Jewish? Oh HE'S Jewish? Well, frankly, I'm a bit disappointed by the other gifts then. I mean, I've got frankincense growing in my back yard. I could pick up some of that, wrap it up in a nice box, and give that for the price of, what... a box? And if I know kids, and believe me, I know kids, me being a drummer BOY and all, I'd guess he'll like the box more than the gift inside anyway.

But you're just not willing to part ways with it, huh? You think the infant will really appreciate the lump of glittery rock you're giving him? Oh, he's a king, that's right. And kings LOVE their gold. Well, what's so special about kings, anyway? There are three of them standing right in front of me. Oh, what? You're not kings? You're the magi, that's right, suuure. Well, you already handed over your setlist, and I see you're singing the "We Three Kings" song. That kind of gives it away, doesn't it?

Oh, and look here, right in the second line, it says you're from the Orient. I dunno, maybe frankincense isn't as prominent over there, and you said to yourself, "Ah, he's Jewish, he'll like frankincense". You know what? That's racist. That's like me saying, "Oh, you're from the Orient, I'll get you a magic bloody carpet, you'll love that." Yeah, maybe you would, if you didn't already have like ten in your attic!

So, you know what? No. I will not play my drums for the infantile king, and you can take my drumstick and jam it up your rump a pum pum.

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