Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


Categories: General, Games, Programming, School, Work

Pages: << 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... 52 >>

Topless Bar

Permalink 01/14/11 at 04:14:29 pm, by Ed, 64 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Media

This is what I think all topless bars should be like

And speaking of topless bars, I think I like the "Before & After" idea from Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.

How did I get from topless bars to Before and After? I was thinking that a good name for a high-class topless bar (as oxymoronic as that sounds) would be "Topless Bar None".

Who the hell is Ken Burns?

Permalink 12/20/10 at 08:29:24 pm, by Ed, 952 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Work

There's an awful lot of knowledge in the world. The reason for that is because there are so many diverse fields in which one can specialize, and one has been specializing in those fields for such a long time. That creates more knowledge as those who specialize invent more better (or worse) different ways of doing things, which can lead to even more new different better (or worse) fields in which one can specialize.

That's a hell of a lot of branching. If you think of the first specialist, he (or she) was probably a hunter/gatherer while his (or her) significant other stayed at home and watched the kids. Well, something like that anyway. To become a better hunter/gatherer, humans, with their fancy-pancy opposable thumbs, developed weapons. If 2001 is to be believed, we had the help of a large black box, and our first weapons were not so much "developed" as "found in last night's dinner".

So we take bones of our hunted food, and use them as clubs to kill slightly larger food. This doesn't isn't a whole lot of knowledge, but now, let's skim the surface for awhile. We invent ways of developing better weapons (sharpening, etc.). Once we have a lot of meat, we're looking for ways to get lots of vegetables. We invent the plow, supposedly another one of man's (or woman's) first inventions that allows us to till the land with the help of those animals we haven't killed off yet, and plant food.

So now we have a place we can stay rather than moving with the seasons and following our food. Now we have incentive to build better homes rather than living in caves, or teepees, or wigwams, or what have you. So we learn to build more crap. That requires the manufacturing of tools. More tools leads to finer production of buildings, which leads to the production of more tools that can do better work, which leads to better buildings, etc.

So now we've got people staying in one place rather than traveling, and they've got nice McMansions to show for it. Well, McMansions of 12,000 BC anyway. And you know what? I like building McMansions, not hunting. I've got to invent bartering so I can build a McMansion for that guy over there who's a much better hunter than me anyway. This leads to money, and that opens another whole can of worms.

So you've got the beginnings of communities. More McMansions being built closer together, because it takes a village to... do what villages do, I suppose, which tends to be condemning old women with warts and long noses to burn. But not for another few thousand years. As communities continue to grow, you need leaders. So you get the best and brightest to tell the rest of us what to do, how to do it, and get paid for it. There's your politician and manager trades. Lots of knowledge there.

Remember, I'm just skimming the surface. By now (circa 5000 BC), we've got dozens or even hundreds of specializations, each with their own specialized knowledge that the other specializations need know nothing about. It is simply because we are so specialized that we can become morespecialized. If one guy really knows his sewer cleaning stuff, then I don't have to worry about it, and can instead figure out how to better "take flange-drives out over the square of thumbs while tubing flap tape". Whatever that means.

So fastforward about 7000 years. I know I've heard a quote somewhere that said "specialization is for insects", but if we didn't have specialization, we'd be living in a medieval society. I know all about computer science, and specifically about how things are done at my company, and very specifically, about how the projects I'm working on work. At the broadest level, computer science, it could almost be discounted as a "specialization" since so many people are similar in that respect. But I could talk ad nauseum about how APUs work to somebody who's specialized in, for example, politics, and they would absorb absolutely zero of what I was saying.

On the next level down, at my company, that narrows it down. There's less than a dozen people who know the internals of what we do. And even lower down, the projects I work on, really that's just me. I'm the only person who has all the knowledge there to give you some rinky-dink iPhone game. All you had to do was buy it. Whether you're a professional athlete who can run a mile in 10.8 seconds, or a video-photographer who knows what the hell a Ken Burns effect is, you don't need to know anything about Objective-C, or memory management, or OpenGL, or Photoshop (although if you are a photographer, you probably do know a thing or two), or trigonometry, or geometry, or floating-point inconsistencies, or binary, or data structures, or application signing, or universal binaries, or code compilation, or static libraries, or dynamic libraries, or how ants use pheromones to find the shortest path to sustenance, or efficient 2D physics engines, or how to make sound effects, or how to convert sound effects into a format suitable for playing on the iPhone.

Anyway, I guess this is just my way of saying, without any feelings of stupidity that I don't know the answer, "Who the hell is Ken Burns anyway?" There's a lot of stuff I do know, and I feel it's probably not necessary for me to go specializing in whatever it is Ken Burns did to find out what's so great to get an effect named after you in Final Cut Pro (which I also had to use in my rinky-dink iPhone game).

Sludge Water

Permalink 12/03/10 at 07:14:28 am, by Ed, 179 words   English (US)
Categories: Work

Every morning, the first thing I do when I get to work is turn on my computers and get a glass of water while they're booting up. I think the water machine they're using doesn't supply fresh water, but instead provides powdered water, or perhaps water from concentrate, because the last few days, it seems like I'm getting the sediment from the bottom. Like it needs to be stirred up again. Not that there are any particles in it, it just seems to... move slower than water does. Like it's slightly more viscous than fresh water.

My eyes are probably playing tricks on me, which I can only assume is another amusing side effect of something I'm doing wrong (though what I'm doing wrong I couldn't say). Other amusing side effects include regularly speaking in other people's voices by accident, and I totally wish I had that disease that caused me to speak random words instead of coherent sentences, but unfortunately, that is only a symptom of traumatic head polar tractor gate party mother of pearls before swine flu.

Cruel World

Permalink 10/29/10 at 08:23:25 pm, by Ed, 23 words   English (US)
Categories: General

What sort of cruel universe is it where they tell you not to play with your food, then they give you string cheese?

Now there's a game I'd play

Permalink 10/08/10 at 09:23:16 pm, by Ed, 955 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

You awake in a dark room. You have no idea how you arrived here, and you find that you have a splitting headache. The room is dank, smelling slightly of urine. After a moment, you realize it's probably yours. You've never woken up and not had to go to the bathroom before today. Or tonight. You're not sure when it is right now either.

] inventory

You check your pockets. Unfortunately, you apparently like cargo pants. And you like using them. You have:

1. A rolled up newspaper
2. An Skeleton Key
3. A slightly bent 5.25" floppy disk
4. Dapper Dan Hair Pomade
5. Ye Olde Flask
6. A half-eaten dog treat
7. A plastic sandwich baggy
8. A Ticket
9. A Huff
10. A small rock

] examine bag

You hold the plastic bag up to what little light there is. It contains what you are almost entirely sure is not a sandwich. It makes a smoosh noise when you put it back. You're almost sure you could see something move in it out of the corner of your eye.

] examine rock

It's your Philosopher's Stone, which you used to disprove your Philosophy 101 teacher about the inherent nature of shared experience when you threw it at him through his office window. Actually, it's just a rock. It might not even be part of your inventory. It could just be that junk that gets in your pockets from washing your clothes with other stuff at the same time.

] look

You're in a dark room. The only source of light is from what appears to be some glowing lichen growing on the ceiling in the corner. Without it, you'd likely be eaten by a grue. You're lying on a bed butted up against the wall opposite a closed door. The light is insufficient to make out any detail about the door, but you can see some footprints on the floor left in what you hope is just dust, and a scrape along where the door probably recently opened.

] get up

You get out of the bed. You immediately regret this action as you hit your head on the ceiling. After a moment of rubbing your new bruise, you hunch over so that you can stand up as straight as you can.

] open door

You make your way to the door. What you wished was dust turns out to be extremely thick spiderwebs covering the floor. You discover this as you see dozens of spiders scatter as you take every step. You are completely grossed out by this. As you find no handle on the door, you attempt to push it. It doesn't budge

] use key on door

You take the skeleton key and, seeing no key hole in the door, toss it casually in the direction of the door. It makes a satisfying *thunk* as it bounces off onto the floor. When you stoop to retrieve it, more spider scatter from your fingertips as they brush the floor. Eeeewwwww.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy, wooden door. Judging by clown in the corner pointing and laughing at you, it is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] look clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy wooden door. It is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] what happened to the clown?

I don't understand. Try giving short, concise declarative statements. Do as I say, not as I do.

] wtf? Where'd the clown go?

I don't understand. Using punctuation makes it harder for me to tell what you're trying to say.

] Don't get snippy with me. I can scroll up and see the clown from like 10 seconds ago. What'd you do with the clown?

I don't understand. Tell me things to do. Starting with something like "Don't" is a good sign that you're not telling me to "Do" something.

] DO tell me what happened to the clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look corner

You can see some sort of glowing lichen on the ceiling, casting the only light available, giving a cadaverous gleam to the room. On the floor, you see a pile of what you hope are dead flies, but you're pretty sure are, in fact, still quite alive.

] no, the other corner

What other corner?

] the one with the clown

Give up on the damn clown! He's gone, okay? He had to go to his son's soccer game. He promised he'd be there, and he promised that he wouldn't come in his work clothes, because that always embarrasses his son, so he had to go wash off his makeup, and find some regular street clothes. Seriously. Just give him a goddamn break.

] how did he get out?

I don't understand. Tell me to do things. I can't answer questions.

] tell me how the clown got out

What the hell? I told you to drop the clown!

] drop clown

That's better. Now, can we move along? I suggest looking at more of the stuff in your pockets, for a start

] examine ticket

...okay not that. Look at something else

] examine ticket

Seriously, dude. Look at something else. You don't want to know

] examine f-ing ticket

Fine! Fine. It's a ticket to see the circus. You happy now?

] use ticket

On what?

] use ticket on clown

That's it. I've had enough. The spiders crawl over the lichen. It's completely dark. You're eaten by a grue. You lose.

Total score: 0 of 100. Actually, you know what? Because you wouldn't give up on the damn clown, your score is -1.

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