Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


Category: Games

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Now there's a game I'd play

Permalink 10/08/10 at 09:23:16 pm, by Ed, 955 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

You awake in a dark room. You have no idea how you arrived here, and you find that you have a splitting headache. The room is dank, smelling slightly of urine. After a moment, you realize it's probably yours. You've never woken up and not had to go to the bathroom before today. Or tonight. You're not sure when it is right now either.

] inventory

You check your pockets. Unfortunately, you apparently like cargo pants. And you like using them. You have:

1. A rolled up newspaper
2. An Skeleton Key
3. A slightly bent 5.25" floppy disk
4. Dapper Dan Hair Pomade
5. Ye Olde Flask
6. A half-eaten dog treat
7. A plastic sandwich baggy
8. A Ticket
9. A Huff
10. A small rock

] examine bag

You hold the plastic bag up to what little light there is. It contains what you are almost entirely sure is not a sandwich. It makes a smoosh noise when you put it back. You're almost sure you could see something move in it out of the corner of your eye.

] examine rock

It's your Philosopher's Stone, which you used to disprove your Philosophy 101 teacher about the inherent nature of shared experience when you threw it at him through his office window. Actually, it's just a rock. It might not even be part of your inventory. It could just be that junk that gets in your pockets from washing your clothes with other stuff at the same time.

] look

You're in a dark room. The only source of light is from what appears to be some glowing lichen growing on the ceiling in the corner. Without it, you'd likely be eaten by a grue. You're lying on a bed butted up against the wall opposite a closed door. The light is insufficient to make out any detail about the door, but you can see some footprints on the floor left in what you hope is just dust, and a scrape along where the door probably recently opened.

] get up

You get out of the bed. You immediately regret this action as you hit your head on the ceiling. After a moment of rubbing your new bruise, you hunch over so that you can stand up as straight as you can.

] open door

You make your way to the door. What you wished was dust turns out to be extremely thick spiderwebs covering the floor. You discover this as you see dozens of spiders scatter as you take every step. You are completely grossed out by this. As you find no handle on the door, you attempt to push it. It doesn't budge

] use key on door

You take the skeleton key and, seeing no key hole in the door, toss it casually in the direction of the door. It makes a satisfying *thunk* as it bounces off onto the floor. When you stoop to retrieve it, more spider scatter from your fingertips as they brush the floor. Eeeewwwww.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy, wooden door. Judging by clown in the corner pointing and laughing at you, it is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] look clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy wooden door. It is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] what happened to the clown?

I don't understand. Try giving short, concise declarative statements. Do as I say, not as I do.

] wtf? Where'd the clown go?

I don't understand. Using punctuation makes it harder for me to tell what you're trying to say.

] Don't get snippy with me. I can scroll up and see the clown from like 10 seconds ago. What'd you do with the clown?

I don't understand. Tell me things to do. Starting with something like "Don't" is a good sign that you're not telling me to "Do" something.

] DO tell me what happened to the clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look corner

You can see some sort of glowing lichen on the ceiling, casting the only light available, giving a cadaverous gleam to the room. On the floor, you see a pile of what you hope are dead flies, but you're pretty sure are, in fact, still quite alive.

] no, the other corner

What other corner?

] the one with the clown

Give up on the damn clown! He's gone, okay? He had to go to his son's soccer game. He promised he'd be there, and he promised that he wouldn't come in his work clothes, because that always embarrasses his son, so he had to go wash off his makeup, and find some regular street clothes. Seriously. Just give him a goddamn break.

] how did he get out?

I don't understand. Tell me to do things. I can't answer questions.

] tell me how the clown got out

What the hell? I told you to drop the clown!

] drop clown

That's better. Now, can we move along? I suggest looking at more of the stuff in your pockets, for a start

] examine ticket

...okay not that. Look at something else

] examine ticket

Seriously, dude. Look at something else. You don't want to know

] examine f-ing ticket

Fine! Fine. It's a ticket to see the circus. You happy now?

] use ticket

On what?

] use ticket on clown

That's it. I've had enough. The spiders crawl over the lichen. It's completely dark. You're eaten by a grue. You lose.

Total score: 0 of 100. Actually, you know what? Because you wouldn't give up on the damn clown, your score is -1.

User Feedback Is Always Nice

Permalink 03/12/10 at 02:22:40 pm, by Ed, 139 words   English (US)
Categories: Games, Programming

We got a note from a user of Pocket Ants today. Allow me to share:

Your Pocket Ants app is disgusting. Why don't you educate kids instead of making them destructive monsters. All the deranged psychos in the world start out this way... ants, then squirrels, then dogs and cats, then finally moving on to people. I am no bible thumper, but this is such a stupid thing to do. Nice work.

Now, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like it, and that "Nice Work" at the end was, shall we say, sarcasm. Some coworkers, on the other hand, think the whole message except the last part is sarcasm, because that's what a user of Pocket Ants would do. What do you think? Is Pocket Ants too gruesome? Will it be the launching point for psychopathic killers 20 years from now?

Phrases of the day

Permalink 11/19/09 at 06:46:27 am, by Ed, 292 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

Here are a few phrases you might hear in your average Dungeons and Dragons game:

  • "Do you have a hell minion? It's 39/27"
  • "I'm up to 92/84"
  • "I was dumping it all into stamina, then I thought, I should probably be putting some into attack"
  • "I'm up to level 37"
  • "I need to level up, then attack again"
  • "I have enough for a serpent's shield"
  • "I have SOOO many dragon gems!"
  • "Have you started the undead world? You finished it!? the new one!?"
  • "I received a little archer person thing"
  • "I didn't get the orb until I had, like, done everything"
  • "I'm working on Azeron right now"
  • "I thought you had Ambrosia"
  • "He's +1 attack."

If you are in the right context, you can understand pretty much all of those statements, but if you don't know about that kind of thing, you would look at those statements and become disinterested faster than you can say, "I don't even know what level up means!"

Now, you're thinking to yourself, "What, is he showing off his geekiness? Throwing out all those phrases that don't mean anything?"

Well, no. I'm showing of my wife's geekiness. I have yet to say a word this morning, and I have heard the preceding phrases come from my wife's mouth while talking on the phone in the same manner you might hear the phrase, "I need to go return those towels."

I would like to stress that it is not my doing that she's playing Castle Age. It was completely not my doing. And yet, when I hear the phrase, "What's your attack/defense?" come from her lips, it makes my lower lip tremble, ever so slightly, as she crosses over the line to our side, and now she can never go back.


Ants are dumb

Permalink 02/27/09 at 02:06:03 pm, by Ed, 104 words   English (US)
Categories: Games, Programming

I've been working more on my ant hill "game" (those are the biggest finger quotes you can imagine). Right now, I'm making them shove rocks around. Basically, you throw rocks at ants, and they move them away from their hill, trying to keep it clean.

The stupid ants though, sometimes one ant would walk up to a rock and start pushing it, while ten other ants are already pushing it in the opposite direction, so the ant gets squashed under the rock.

"Stupid Ant," I say.

Only after this do I realize it's my programming that caused the ant to act that way. D'oh!

Sex 'n Violence

Permalink 01/29/09 at 06:39:19 am, by Ed, 341 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

If you had to rank which you'd rather have teenagers doing, how would you order Having Sex and Killing People?

I'm just going to go ahead and assume your answer is in that order. Not that your decision was influenced by the order of presentation, because even if I put them in the other order, I'm pretty sure you'd rather not be afraid of teenagers killing you in your sleep with a chainsaw.

So here's my question: Why is it that violent video games get an M rating, but any video game that has sex in it is suddenly AO?

It's not just games of course, it's the same with movies and TV shows. I'm surprised they don't have ratings on books yet, honestly. Though the rating system would be a much compressed version. Either it's a kid's picture book, or it's Mature. I make this point because books generally are much more, well, graphic than movies are a lot of times.

But that's not the point. Why is it that nudity and sex are seen as a horrible violation of humanity that nobody under the age of 17 is allowed to think of, but it's pretty much a guaranteed necessity to prolong the human race? It is, essentially, something that almost everybody will come in contact with at some point. Conversely, why are violence and killing seen as an everyday occurrence that you can stick in every show past Teletubbies and Barney, but it's a guaranteed stopper to the longevity of the human race? Killing, essentially something that your average person will never come in contact with.

I put forth the notion that the rating system is obviously trying to kill us off! Everybody can go out and kill people, but dear god, don't have sex! Why don't they just devise a suppression field that kills off all the embryos, and our sex drive while they're at it. Sterility for all!

But seriously, why does the rating system create such disparity between the two? And in the wrong direction no less!

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