Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


Categories: Media, Movies, Star Wars Photomasher, Twins

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Humanity: Give up now

Permalink 01/07/09 at 06:57:33 am, by Ed, 426 words   English (US)
Categories: Games, Media

God, as I'm sure we all presume to know, created everything, yes? He created light. Good thing, too, because I hate it when I bump my shin in the middle of the night. Imagine doing that all the time!

He proceeded to create heaven, and earth, and gave it form. Then he cried to make every child feel terrible about whatever it is they're doing, and the oceans filled up. Seriously, God must have been the absolute worst baby. I mean who cries for forty days and forty nights straight?

Then He made scriggly little things to annoy you at your picnic. He created cows and jellyfish, and they pretty much went at it to make all the other animals.

After some figuring, he finally came up with an idea: Sentience. So he made man, who was immediately just as bad a baby as God was, and whined about being lonely, so, as the joke goes, he asked God for somebody who's loving, and caring, and gives him foot massages when it hurts. God replied, "Okay, but it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg."

"Ehh... What can I get for a rib?" was man's reply.

So now we have man and woman. At this point, being omniscient, God already knew it was not going to work out. He must have, because he stuck this giant tree like ten feet from Adam's front door, for everybody to see, and said, "Don't touch it."

Now why, being omniscient, would anybody give you temptation, and tell you not to resist temptation, knowing full well (being omniscient and all) that you could not?

Because he didn't like where it was going, that's why. It's just a rough draft. He learned from these mistakes (if you can call them mistakes. Perhaps experiences) and moved on to bigger and better things.

Why do you think the universe is so darned big? Just for us to look at? No, God just gave himself plenty of space to work in. If he hadn't, he'd have to get rid of the Earth just to make space for new experiments. The universe is like God's GMail box. It's space keeps growing, and he doesn't have to delete anything, he just puts it in storage and never has to look at it again unless he wants to.

Which we presume he doesn't, of course. He already knew we were bad to begin with.

This is all just my way of saying, "I bought Spore recently, and I'm sorry Jatrak'a race: I'm starting a new game."

Permalink 12/13/08 at 05:54:55 pm, by Ed, 147 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Media

I was on the phone, talking with Bridget just now. We were discussing the unfortunate issue of how to end a phone call. Now, if you're assertive, it's a simple thing. Just "See you tomorrow, bye." click. Not that we couldn't if we wanted to but in most cases, I'm not assertive. After everything's been said, it becomes a game of silent waiting.
"Anyway, ..."
"... yeah... ..."
"I gues... I'll see you later... then?..."
"...Oh, I just remembered!... no, nevermind, yeah"
"bye... then..."

But there's one person Bridget knows who just hangs up when she's done talking. Doesn't even get to the "Goodbye" stage. Just, "I'll see you tomorrow at 3:30, then" click.

Just as I was saying to Bridget, "I wish I could do that without feeling bad, I mean it's sort of bad etiquette--BEEP" my phone died. Now isn't that just ironic?

What Dreams may do on a Sunday Night when they're bored

Permalink 12/01/08 at 06:25:09 am, by Ed, 438 words   English (US)
Categories: Media, Dreams of a phenytoin addict

For ahwhile lately, my dreams have been so very pedestrian or entirely disenchanting about the politics of dream world. They usually end up being the sort that relegate the telling to the back of the line of Seedless Grapes.

But some strange set of circumstances involving going to bed too late after having three Thanksgivings in as many days, and having just tired yourself out by playing far too much of your brand new Wii, coinciding with the hysteria brought on from traveling across the state every day and, of course, the phenytoin sodium, leads to... issues.

The most important part, I suppose, happens after a bunch of the normal dream stuff. You know, nude gay porn (Surprisingly not NSFW, which, I guess, is SFW), or whatever it is normal people dream about. It was when I was playing a game on a computer in a pitch black room. I had a life signs detector (in the game) and found two tubes with some strange readings. Upon opening it up, I found a fetus. So I squashed it. Then another was dropped down from the tube. And that one was harder to squash, but I eventually managed. Then, an alien baby pops out (although they are all in pods, I can tell, because I have X-Ray vision. Not in the game, mind you, just in real life (in the dream) which allows me to see through pods in a video game). After squashing that one, a large electrical beam pops out, and I am confused. Is it something sitting in the tube, or is it now stuck to my face? As I move around in the game, there is now this blue line that looks like a bolt of lighting stuck to the upper left quadrant of the screen. Then another few pop out and it creates a triangle.

Things start to get strange as the background fades out and evil laughter comes from the speakers and dark faces appear on the screen. I finally reach the power button on the monitor, but the blue lines done go away. I felt the screen, and the blue lines have created physical indentations on the screen. Of course, I'm annoyed, because that was a perfectly good monitor, but now I have no idea why that blue lightning is still there.

Then I woke up to find that it was in fact the edge around the blinds of the window I was staring at.

So apparently, I have learned to sleep with my eyes open, although it doesn't help because even when I DO see something, I don't wake up anyway.

Permalink 11/13/08 at 06:54:03 am, by Ed, 131 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Media

I was updating my Amazon wishlist today (it being my birthday in, like, a week), and I found my way to the bestsellers page. Number One on the list right now: The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream

That it's number one is not what interests me. What interests me is the "What Do Customers Ultimately Buy After Viewing This Item" section on that page:

What Do Customers Ultimately Buy After Viewing This Item?

The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream (Vintage)
92% buy the item featured on this page:
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream (Vintage) 4.2 out of 5 stars (618)
Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance
6% buy
Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance 4.3 out of 5 stars (314)
Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen
1% buy
Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen 4.5 out of 5 stars (17)
Change We Can Believe In: Barack Obama's Plan to Renew America's Promise
1% buy
Change We Can Believe In: Barack Obama's Plan to Renew America's Promise 4.5 out of 5 stars (39)

I'm dreaming of a paper Halloween

Permalink 10/29/08 at 06:54:39 am, by Ed, 102 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Media

It's Halloween. Almost, anyway. Two days. Bridget is excited because she gets to be the one who gives out treats to kids. Little does she know, she'll be the crazy lady who gives out poisoned treats to kids. Shh, don't tell.

In the mean time, I've been making my Halloween decoration. Yeah, one singular, decoration. Because that's about as festive as I get. Here it is:

As you can see, these are ancient Russian Matryoshka Pumpkins. Great for jack'o'lanterns. Not so great for pumpkin pie.

In case you couldn't see them:

Oh, did I mention that's all paper? 10 sheets, to be exact.

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