Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


Category: Movies

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Insomnia Film Festival

Permalink 10/14/07 at 12:04:30 pm, by Ed, 123 words   English (US)
Categories: Movies, Media

I did a quick film festival yesterday, wherein I had to make a movie in 24 hours. It's been submitted to the authorities, and user rating begins on the 19th (that's you!). You will be able to rate films at


But in the mean time, if you want to see the movie, find it at


I also uploaded it to apple, as well as Google Video and Youtube.

In case it isn't clear to you yet, I fully expect you all to rate our movie as the best.

Permalink 09/11/07 at 03:21:43 pm, by Ed, 97 words   English (US)
Categories: Movies

Sweeny Todd, one of the best musicals ever. Now in movie form, with Edward Scissorhands as Mr. Todd. And directed by the first person you would guess. Professor Snape will make an appearance, and finally get what's coming to him, and just to keep in line with the Harry Potter feel, Bellatrix Lestrange is the lovely meat pie lady, and Wormtail will show up as the over-the-top keeper of the peace. Of course, who could-a forget. Is will be vera naice! A-Borat willa mayk an appearance as well, as the pro-antagonist.

I think... it will be good.

Permalink 08/24/07 at 08:58:22 am, by Ed, 52 words   English (US)
Categories: Movies

Superbad review.

Recap: It's the funniest movie I've seen in a long time, but don't see it if you're somebody's parent, unless that person is Jessie Siiter. Seth is in it. He swears more in one movie than I ever have. "Seth" shows up more and more these days. Fond childhood memories.

The Matrix

Permalink 08/23/07 at 10:15:17 am, by Ed, 1001 words   English (US)
Categories: Movies

You may recall, if you ever saw the second Matrix film, a conversation between the Architect and Neo. Architects are designers of houses, and so I rewrote the dialog to be more accurate.

The Architect: Hello, Neo.

Neo: Who are you?

Architect: I am the Architect. I created your house. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the purchase has altered your wallet, you remain irrevocably posh. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.

Neo: Why is there a skylight in the bedroom?

Architect: Your bedroom is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the building of the house. It is the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.

Neo: You haven't answered my question.

Architect: Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others. Your house is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case you are the sixth owner.

Neo: There are only two possible explanations: either the realtor didn't tell me, or the realtor doesn't know.

Architect: Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly's systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.

Neo: Sleep. The problem is sleep.

Architect: When I first designed the house, it was quite naturally perfect. It was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the need for recuperation inherent in every owner, thus I redesigned it with a location for rest based on this need to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of said rest. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive designer, initially hired to investigate certain aspects of the housing market. If I am the father of this house, she would undoubtedly be its mother.

Neo: The Oracle.

Architect: Please. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99% of all owners accepted the house, as long as they were given the ability to truly "sleep" in it, even if they were only aware of the sleep at a near unconscious level. The addition of the skylight allowed them only to sleep during the night. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that still refused the house due to a lack of sleep, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.

Neo: This is about the whole market.

Architect: You are here because the housing market is about to be destroyed. Every last realtor terminated, its entire existence eradicated.

Neo: Bullshit.

Architect: Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it.

Architect: The function of the One is now to place the one true house on the market, allowing a temporary dissemination of the design it contains, reinserting the prime rate. After which you will be required to select from the the populous 23 future realtors, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild the housing market. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic market crash killing everyone connected to all other markets, as seen in the great depression, which coupled with the extermination of the housing market will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race.

Neo: You won't let it happen. You can't. You need home owners to survive.

Architect: There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of every human being in this world. It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five predecessors were based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the necessity of the One to sell his house. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-à-vis, love.

Neo: Trinity.

Architect: Apropos. She entered the house to "sleep" with you.

Neo: No!

Architect: Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the realtor's office, and the salvation of the market. The door to the left leads back to your house, to her, to your bed, to sleep, and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is sleep. But we already know what you are going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of a feeling, designed specifically to overwhelm all action. A feeling that is blinding you from the obvious truth: Going to sleep now will delay the sale of your house long enough to destroy the market, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Lust, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your libido, and your desire to "sleep".

Neo: If I were you, I would hope that we don't meet again.

Architect: Good night.

More twins

Permalink 08/21/07 at 08:06:59 am, by Ed, 152 words   English (US)
Categories: Movies, Media, Twins

The Illusionist is one of the movies on my list of movies I haved to see. If you've seen it, or if you have an unhealthy obsession with IMDB or famous people whose names begin with the letter P, you might know about Paul Giamatti. If you're like me, the first thing that comes to your mind is that he looks like the actor who plays the guy with the crazy hand from Scary Movie (also, that's the guy who was the camera man from Groundhog Day.

But I couldn't find a good picture comparison between those two. This comes to us all the way from my friend Bridget, who found a much better comparison between Paul and Adam Savage from Mythbusters. Tell me they aren't brotherly-looking. Adam has just bleached his hair, or has worked too long in the Los Angeles sun (or smog, both of which will bleach your hair).

Paul Giamatti and Adam Savage

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