Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


Category: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

Pages: << 1 2 3 4 5 >>

Thought for food

Permalink 08/11/09 at 08:08:01 pm, by Ed, 28 words   English (US)
Categories: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

If you appoint another person as your power of attorney, and they start punching you, would it be grammatically / legally correct for them to state "quit hitting yourself"?

Before I die

Permalink 07/23/09 at 07:00:33 am, by Ed, 301 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Dreams of a phenytoin addict

I just want to let everybody know a few things before I die. I plan on living forever, and so far, I'm doing great, but I'm talking about death in the metaphysical sense.

You see, I've graduated from all school, I've moved out of my parents' house, I've held down a steady 9 to 5 job for over a year, I take happy pills, I must soon be dead inside.

This is not to say that I wasn't dead inside before. My level of excitement never was very high in college either. That's when it's supposed to be up there, right? Partying and such? Well, now I do about the same amount of partying, less schoolwork unrelated to my career, and more programming... excuse me, "software development" every day. Frankly, I'd be fine calling it Riverdancing with an elephant, but it wouldn't fit in my signature, and I don't think other people would understand so much.

I digress. I thought the idea was that I'm supposed to die inside once I enter the workforce. My hopes and dreams should be smashed by now. Once I become the average Joe the Riverdancing Elephant Tamer, my life is supposed to take a subtle but definitive downward turn, until I find that drinking and doing drugs so immature and... wait, I've always... okay, bad example. Until I find that entertaining guests by watching the Sunday football game with mini weenies and drinks is fun... darnit, again! Well, at least during the Superbowl anyway. I've been a middle-aged person my whole life! Okay, until life itself seems blasé, every day is the same, day in, day out, and suddenly, one day, you realize you've been describing how I've already been acting for the past five years!

Darn it! Should have done more partying and drunkery in college.

Permalink 07/04/09 at 07:35:14 am, by Ed, 108 words   English (US)
Categories: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

After much (dreamy) thought, I have come up with a much better way to play Magic: The Gathering. Take everybody's cards, shuffle them all up, and deal each player 7 cards, just like poker. Everybody draws from the same library. It makes playing with a sliver deck much more interesting.

I also came up with a couple of new cards:

Lode Stone: Neutralize any one scented bomb.

Master Lode Stone: Choose one scent. Tap to neutralize a similarly scented bomb. Tap to change the scent of the Master Lode Stone. You may only play this ability once.

Now we just have to come up with scented bombs, I guess.

Not My Job

Permalink 06/01/09 at 06:48:45 am, by Ed, 221 words   English (US)
Categories: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

Between Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, and I, who do you think would be better-suited to fix a broken Apple? Keep that thought in your head.

I dreamed last night that I was back in school, and a presentation on Apples was being given, and a particularly interesting part about checking email was up, but not working. Steve Jobs was in the booth in the back of the room. They asked me, a random audience member, to fix the problem.

Now, I have a very specific and exact recollection of the UI, and it was exquisitely non-Apple in design.

There were buttons to generate a script to login to your email account after entering your information for Windows XP, ME, 98, but no Vista interestingly enough. I guess any buttons having to do with Windows were confoundingly useless, as we were, in fact, using a Mac.

But the whole time I was attempting to log in, Steve Jobs just sat there in the booth, watching the screen, doing nothing. I don't think he was dead, but if he does die in the near future, be aware that I also dreamed of YOUR death too! HAHAHAHA! You want some advice? Don't ride that elephant this weekend. In fact, you probably shouldn't even buy the International Space Station in the first place.

Just make the whole plain out of the black box stuff!

Permalink 04/27/09 at 06:25:32 am, by Ed, 212 words   English (US)
Categories: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

I was at the theater, practicing, and I didn't even know my lines for the second or third act! Crap! But that's not the issue. The issue was we couldn't figure out how to raise the pit up to be level with the rest of the stage without it bouncing around and everything falling over.

Somebody suggested: Well, since the whole thing is on a lift, let's just lower the reset of the auditorium instead! It's a rather deep shaft, so we can just keep lowering the stage, then lowering the rest of it into place until we're done with the show!

But then I did finally want to rehearse before the show, so I looked at the manual, and it said I had to press A+X+Down all at the same time. So I looked in the index to find where those buttons were. I only had the standard Wiimote, so I couldn't use any of the additions. I couldn't really figure out the diagram, since it looked kinda pixelated and blurry, but that didn't matter, because I couldn't even find the Wiimote!

Incidentally, the auditorium-on-a-lift isn't something I just pulled out of the air. I knew I had seen it somewhere before:


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