Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


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If only I were Arthur Dent

Permalink 02/20/10 at 08:17:06 am, by Ed, 292 words   English (US)
Categories: General

If you've yet to read my previous blag post, please do so. It pertains.


Okay. So, I relived another nonexistent conversation. I ran through in my head what I would say and do if I were Arthur Dent, main character in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and... I really don't know what his job is... and if the Earth were not destroyed. Sorry, but that's not a spoiler alert. It happens in the first ten pages of the first book.

The predicament Arthur would be in is that his house was bulldozed to build a bypass right through what used to be his bedroom. Why? Because it's a bypass. You've got to build bypasses.

He was not notified that his house was to be bulldozed, and the paperwork that was "on display" at the county office (because you've got to regularly go to the county office to make sure your house isn't scheduled for demolition) was, in fact in the unlit the cellar where the stairs had recently ceased to be, in a locked filing cabinet stuck in an unused lavatory, supposedly guarded by a leopard.

So, if I were Arthur Dent, I thought to myself, I would get some paperwork done up in a very bureaucratic way and have it approved by some pompous judge who think they know everything but in fact don't understand the first sentence of the document. Then I would use that paperwork to plan a bypass right through the House of Parliament.

That's what I'd do. If I were Arthur Dent. And the planet never blew up. Let us be thankful that that is not the case. Remember, remember, the 12th of April, I suppose, since I don't recall any dates being mentioned in the book.

Somebody get me a gun or a knife

Permalink 02/14/10 at 08:07:16 am, by Ed, 396 words   English (US)
Categories: General, School, Work

So, you know how you get a song stuck in your head and sometimes you're humming it to yourself for the rest of the day?

Okay, well, two tangents off that, then. First of all, about 3 or 4 years ago and the vocal jazz Christmas concert, Allen Voigt sand "Your a Mean One Mr. Grinch" and it's been stuck in my head ever since. Seriously. I will start singing it to myself at a moment's notice and realize it five minutes later.

The other tangent is this, and I don't know if anybody else does this, please let me know. I don't just get songs stuck in my head. I get conversations stuck in my head. If I just had a short conversation with somebody, I will replay that conversation over and over in my head for the next ten minutes. For example, I went in to work one day awhile ago, and got on the elevator, and somebody else was already there. I pushed the button for floor six, and they asked me, "Are there a bunch of companies on the sixth floor, or just one?"

"No, there's a bunch," I replied.

For the next ten minutes, I was saying to myself, "Are there a bunch of companies on the sixth floor, or just one? No, there's a bunch. Oh, there's a bunch. There's several. Oh, I don't know how many there are. Are there a bunch of companies on the sixth floor? Yeah, my company only takes up a few windows. How many companies are there on the sixth floor? Oh, I don't know, a bunch. If I had to guess I would say 8."

This happens to me all the time. I get conversations stuck in my head and replay them over and over and over. From movies too, where I could come up with a much better line than the writer did, three years after last watching the movie, and having 3 years more to think about the line than the writer did.

Sometimes I get conversations stuck in my head that haven't yet occurred. I'm just preparing for when the moment comes in that case, I guess. Just gotta make sure I know what to say if I'm ever in court and the defense lawyer interrupts me in the middle of what I'm saying. I'll tell you some time. Just don't let me forget.

MOA + Harry Potter

Permalink 02/04/10 at 06:47:49 am, by Ed, 69 words   English (US)
Categories: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

I've had a surprising number of dreams take place in the Mall of America. But it's not the Mall of America you know. It's the Mall of America that's haunted by Sorceress Edea, sectioned off, has a store specifically designed to scare autonomophobic people, has a raking/hoeing party every year, teaches networking classes, and has an incidental appearance by Draco Malfoy.

And it's the same mall, every time.

Banned in [Insert Country Here]

Permalink 02/01/10 at 06:39:15 am, by Ed, 116 words   English (US)
Categories: General

Allow me to get myself banned in every country possible:

Picture of a 17-year-old fornicating

That, apparently, is enough to get me banned in the UK.

Now, let's move on.

People, listen to me! Rise up against the oppressive fascist regime!

That should take care of the oppressive fascist regimes, like China, Afghanistan, America, Iran, Pakistan, and India. Moving on.

Hockey Sucks!

Speaks for itself.

Soccer (football) sucks! And your country is ravaged by bloodthirsty monkeys!

Again, speaks for itself.

As for all the (other, eh?) peace-loving nations of the world that I can't get banned from because I have a freedom of speech... just wait. I fully expect America to do the job for me.

Tourettes due to Football

Permalink 01/24/10 at 07:17:23 pm, by Ed, 64 words   English (US)
Categories: General

I believe watching professional football is bad for your health. It may cause tourettes, schizophrenia, and other terrible maladies. Allow me to relate to you the conversation I hear coming from near our big-screen TV:









I think I'm gonna have a pretty full swear jar by the end of the night.

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