Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


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My late-night audition

Permalink 12/19/09 at 06:04:37 pm, by Ed, 47 words   English (US)
Categories: General

So here's my late-night talk-show host audition joke. Not very timely, but here goes:

"So, I was walking through Barnes and Noble the other day, and I saw Glen Beck's new book, 'Arguing With Idiots'. I'm glad he's finally come out about his bipolar disorder."

Oh, snap!


Permalink 12/15/09 at 06:52:04 am, by Ed, 59 words   English (US)
Categories: General

You know what I've recently realized? X-Wing's are bunk. I mean, they say they're named after the shape they create when their S-Foils are in attack position. The only problem with that is there is no X in the Star Wars universe. The only equivalent is a xesh which looks like . Which is NOT what an X-Wing looks like.

Amusingly unoriginal

Permalink 11/28/09 at 09:55:59 pm, by Ed, 144 words   English (US)
Categories: General

Ever since the redesign of the starwars.com website, I have become disillusioned with the whole franchise.

Okay, that's a lie. I just didn't like their new website, how it entirely focuses on the Clone Wars animated TV series like its the only thing in Star Wars going on, which it is, but it's just terrible, so I'd hope they would just cut their losses and forget about it.

But they've redeemed themselves to a small degree. They did bring back the Photo Caption contest, which I've been able to make a dent in right off the bat:


Right there on the top, first one, that's me. Not that order has anything to do with likability. I'm pretty sure they're just in chronological order based on time submitted. After all, it's not exactly a "new" joke.

How can I NOT overeat?!

Permalink 11/26/09 at 08:28:20 am, by Ed, 19 words   English (US)
Categories: General

One suggestion for Thanksgiving: Wear the tightest clothes you can fit into. Then you'll feel full a lot sooner.

Phrases of the day

Permalink 11/19/09 at 06:46:27 am, by Ed, 292 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

Here are a few phrases you might hear in your average Dungeons and Dragons game:

  • "Do you have a hell minion? It's 39/27"
  • "I'm up to 92/84"
  • "I was dumping it all into stamina, then I thought, I should probably be putting some into attack"
  • "I'm up to level 37"
  • "I need to level up, then attack again"
  • "I have enough for a serpent's shield"
  • "I have SOOO many dragon gems!"
  • "Have you started the undead world? You finished it!? the new one!?"
  • "I received a little archer person thing"
  • "I didn't get the orb until I had, like, done everything"
  • "I'm working on Azeron right now"
  • "I thought you had Ambrosia"
  • "He's +1 attack."

If you are in the right context, you can understand pretty much all of those statements, but if you don't know about that kind of thing, you would look at those statements and become disinterested faster than you can say, "I don't even know what level up means!"

Now, you're thinking to yourself, "What, is he showing off his geekiness? Throwing out all those phrases that don't mean anything?"

Well, no. I'm showing of my wife's geekiness. I have yet to say a word this morning, and I have heard the preceding phrases come from my wife's mouth while talking on the phone in the same manner you might hear the phrase, "I need to go return those towels."

I would like to stress that it is not my doing that she's playing Castle Age. It was completely not my doing. And yet, when I hear the phrase, "What's your attack/defense?" come from her lips, it makes my lower lip tremble, ever so slightly, as she crosses over the line to our side, and now she can never go back.


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