Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you


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Cruel World

Permalink 10/29/10 at 08:23:25 pm, by Ed, 23 words   English (US)
Categories: General

What sort of cruel universe is it where they tell you not to play with your food, then they give you string cheese?

Now there's a game I'd play

Permalink 10/08/10 at 09:23:16 pm, by Ed, 955 words   English (US)
Categories: Games

You awake in a dark room. You have no idea how you arrived here, and you find that you have a splitting headache. The room is dank, smelling slightly of urine. After a moment, you realize it's probably yours. You've never woken up and not had to go to the bathroom before today. Or tonight. You're not sure when it is right now either.

] inventory

You check your pockets. Unfortunately, you apparently like cargo pants. And you like using them. You have:

1. A rolled up newspaper
2. An Skeleton Key
3. A slightly bent 5.25" floppy disk
4. Dapper Dan Hair Pomade
5. Ye Olde Flask
6. A half-eaten dog treat
7. A plastic sandwich baggy
8. A Ticket
9. A Huff
10. A small rock

] examine bag

You hold the plastic bag up to what little light there is. It contains what you are almost entirely sure is not a sandwich. It makes a smoosh noise when you put it back. You're almost sure you could see something move in it out of the corner of your eye.

] examine rock

It's your Philosopher's Stone, which you used to disprove your Philosophy 101 teacher about the inherent nature of shared experience when you threw it at him through his office window. Actually, it's just a rock. It might not even be part of your inventory. It could just be that junk that gets in your pockets from washing your clothes with other stuff at the same time.

] look

You're in a dark room. The only source of light is from what appears to be some glowing lichen growing on the ceiling in the corner. Without it, you'd likely be eaten by a grue. You're lying on a bed butted up against the wall opposite a closed door. The light is insufficient to make out any detail about the door, but you can see some footprints on the floor left in what you hope is just dust, and a scrape along where the door probably recently opened.

] get up

You get out of the bed. You immediately regret this action as you hit your head on the ceiling. After a moment of rubbing your new bruise, you hunch over so that you can stand up as straight as you can.

] open door

You make your way to the door. What you wished was dust turns out to be extremely thick spiderwebs covering the floor. You discover this as you see dozens of spiders scatter as you take every step. You are completely grossed out by this. As you find no handle on the door, you attempt to push it. It doesn't budge

] use key on door

You take the skeleton key and, seeing no key hole in the door, toss it casually in the direction of the door. It makes a satisfying *thunk* as it bounces off onto the floor. When you stoop to retrieve it, more spider scatter from your fingertips as they brush the floor. Eeeewwwww.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy, wooden door. Judging by clown in the corner pointing and laughing at you, it is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] look clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look door

You can't see much of the door with the light so dim, but from what you can make out, it appears to be an old, though sturdy wooden door. It is unlikely that the door will be forgiving.

] what happened to the clown?

I don't understand. Try giving short, concise declarative statements. Do as I say, not as I do.

] wtf? Where'd the clown go?

I don't understand. Using punctuation makes it harder for me to tell what you're trying to say.

] Don't get snippy with me. I can scroll up and see the clown from like 10 seconds ago. What'd you do with the clown?

I don't understand. Tell me things to do. Starting with something like "Don't" is a good sign that you're not telling me to "Do" something.

] DO tell me what happened to the clown

I don't see "clown" here.

] look corner

You can see some sort of glowing lichen on the ceiling, casting the only light available, giving a cadaverous gleam to the room. On the floor, you see a pile of what you hope are dead flies, but you're pretty sure are, in fact, still quite alive.

] no, the other corner

What other corner?

] the one with the clown

Give up on the damn clown! He's gone, okay? He had to go to his son's soccer game. He promised he'd be there, and he promised that he wouldn't come in his work clothes, because that always embarrasses his son, so he had to go wash off his makeup, and find some regular street clothes. Seriously. Just give him a goddamn break.

] how did he get out?

I don't understand. Tell me to do things. I can't answer questions.

] tell me how the clown got out

What the hell? I told you to drop the clown!

] drop clown

That's better. Now, can we move along? I suggest looking at more of the stuff in your pockets, for a start

] examine ticket

...okay not that. Look at something else

] examine ticket

Seriously, dude. Look at something else. You don't want to know

] examine f-ing ticket

Fine! Fine. It's a ticket to see the circus. You happy now?

] use ticket

On what?

] use ticket on clown

That's it. I've had enough. The spiders crawl over the lichen. It's completely dark. You're eaten by a grue. You lose.

Total score: 0 of 100. Actually, you know what? Because you wouldn't give up on the damn clown, your score is -1.

High self expectations

Permalink 10/01/10 at 07:12:23 am, by Ed, 58 words   English (US)
Categories: Work

At the end of work yesterday, I was optimizing the physics engine for a game I'm working on, and just as I was leaving, I broke something that caused the call to world.update() to fail. I left myself a note in Notepad to remember to fix it first thing this morning:

"Fix World"

Talk about high expectations.

Proof: more evens than odds

Permalink 09/17/10 at 03:21:20 am, by Ed, 163 words   English (US)
Categories: General

Alright, so I've devised a terrible proof that shows there are more even numbers than odd numbers. See how many things you can find wrong with it.

Assume the opposite: there are the same number of evens (e) and odds (o). Any pair of numbers can be one of three forms: both even, both odd, or one of each.

Now, it is common knowledge that two evens muliplied result in an even number. The converse is true with odds. That is two odds multiplied results in an odd. That covers two thirds of all possible results. The only remaining third is one even and one odd, which also results in an even number.

Based on our earlier assumption, that there are the same number of evens and odds, we can deduce that each of the three results can be weighted evenly. Ergo, there are twice as many even numbers as there are odd numbers. A contradiction!

Therefore, our original assumption must be false.

The advantages of staying up early

Permalink 08/12/10 at 03:43:44 am, by Ed, 537 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Dreams of a phenytoin addict

I don't know if my recent bout of waking up early is due to my new meds or if I was just sleeping later on my old meds, but suffice it to say, I woke up at 4:30 this morning with no intention of going back to sleep. This has been going on for awhile now (ever since I started my new medication), and I never used to wake up in the middle of the night, but I don't know if that's just normal for somebody my age in my circumstances and I just haven't noticed because I've been on sleep-inducing pills for the past few years, or if my new medication causes insomnia. It's not like I couldn't get to sleep, I just can't get back to sleep after waking up.

But a few good things came from waking up this early: First, I was able to sit in our new comfy chair, which I would never get a chance to do if Bridget were awake. The second thing is a bit more embarrassing and frankly stunning to me.

You see, over the course of the summer, when we wake up, we found that our driveway was always wet. We assumed that, since our sprinkler system isn't set to run automatically at all, it must be the dew or something, running off into our driveway. But we also noticed that our lawn is a lot greener and fuller this year than it was last year. Can you guess why? It's because every day, that's right, every single day since I turned the sprinkler system on, at 5:00 in the morning, our sprinkler system did in fact activate, watering our lawn every single day for the past few months, including the days when it was, in fact, raining at the same time.

Believe me, this is not something we set up. Last year, all of the automatic systems were turned completely off, but somehow by the time this summer rolled around, the schedule got set to run every day at 5:00 in the morning, when we'd never have a chance to catch it, and so we may never have realized it was happening except that I happened to look out the window with about 30 seconds left before it was done and noticed that it was running.

Now, there's a city ordinance stating that Thou Shalt Not Water Thy Lawn On Off Days Or At Certain Times Of Day. Off Days, for us, include odd-numbered days (i.e. every other day), and Certain Times Of Day include any time before 8:00 AM, between 11:00 AM and 5:00 PM, and after 9:00 PM.

So... whoops! But hey, at least the dead patch in our front lawn is gone. I suppose now that I've turned it off, the dead patch will come back. At least we won't have to mow the lawn so much any more.

The other reason I'm making this post is because the "Dreams of a phenytoin addict" category really doesn't apply any more, since I'm now on... veritaserum or something. Levetiracetam, actually, I think. Which doesn't induce strange dreams. Probably because I'm awake instead. Righting the wrongs of the evil-doers who disobey city ordinances willy-nilly. Which is mostly just me at this point.

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