Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you

Ed

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Ikea: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Permalink 08/26/09 at 07:24:06 pm, by Ed, 145 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Media

So, we went to Ikea last weekend to get something to go around the entertainment center. I just finished putting the last piece up today. Take a look


Here, you can see the main idea. Our DVD cabinets hang from the walls, a shelf hangs from above, and the main table contains all our entertainment devices.

You can see the end table we bought at the same time in this picture at the end of the couch

And here's the full view, with the new coffee table in the middle of the room.

Notice how everything matches? Eh? Eh?! It even goes with the hardwood floor (not pictured)! And the stools we bought last week!

Shop class sure came in handy! I knew exactly how to curse when the nail when through my third and fourth knuckles!

Ikea: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Snap Decisions

Permalink 08/20/09 at 06:55:44 am, by Ed, 25 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Movies

Let me show you something. The following is a picture of the top of our entertainment center.

And now let's pan down a little bit:

Thought for food

Permalink 08/11/09 at 08:08:01 pm, by Ed, 28 words   English (US)
Categories: Dreams of a phenytoin addict

If you appoint another person as your power of attorney, and they start punching you, would it be grammatically / legally correct for them to state "quit hitting yourself"?

Quit with the ratings, seriously

Permalink 08/05/09 at 07:00:33 am, by Ed, 208 words   English (US)
Categories: General

Critiques, critics, scores, raters, ratings, and reviews are overrated. No, not overrated, completely unnecessary and stupid. Whatever it is you're looking at, it is never, ever representative of the actual person, place, or thing (or mineral!) it critiques, scores, rates, or reviews. Why?

Because people, en masse, is a douchebag.

Let me expand.

When you stay at a 5-Star hotel, you're buying a name. When you go to a movie with two thumbs up, you're basing your movie-going choices on two guys who you've never met and live in another state with a probability of 95.6% if you live in the USA, otherwise it's more like 99.8%. And when you're looking up reviews on a product online, keep in mind that a majority of the people who leave reviews are the people who didn't like it, or, like I said, the people who leave reviews on line is a douchebag.

I use the singular because you'd never admit to it on your own, it's only when large groups of surly people get together that they become a douchebag. After all, that's how democracy got started, right? Well, that sort of seems like a douche move, doesn't it? At least, it probably seemed like it at the time to the British.

Before I die

Permalink 07/23/09 at 07:00:33 am, by Ed, 301 words   English (US)
Categories: General, Dreams of a phenytoin addict

I just want to let everybody know a few things before I die. I plan on living forever, and so far, I'm doing great, but I'm talking about death in the metaphysical sense.

You see, I've graduated from all school, I've moved out of my parents' house, I've held down a steady 9 to 5 job for over a year, I take happy pills, I must soon be dead inside.

This is not to say that I wasn't dead inside before. My level of excitement never was very high in college either. That's when it's supposed to be up there, right? Partying and such? Well, now I do about the same amount of partying, less schoolwork unrelated to my career, and more programming... excuse me, "software development" every day. Frankly, I'd be fine calling it Riverdancing with an elephant, but it wouldn't fit in my signature, and I don't think other people would understand so much.

I digress. I thought the idea was that I'm supposed to die inside once I enter the workforce. My hopes and dreams should be smashed by now. Once I become the average Joe the Riverdancing Elephant Tamer, my life is supposed to take a subtle but definitive downward turn, until I find that drinking and doing drugs so immature and... wait, I've always... okay, bad example. Until I find that entertaining guests by watching the Sunday football game with mini weenies and drinks is fun... darnit, again! Well, at least during the Superbowl anyway. I've been a middle-aged person my whole life! Okay, until life itself seems blasé, every day is the same, day in, day out, and suddenly, one day, you realize you've been describing how I've already been acting for the past five years!

Darn it! Should have done more partying and drunkery in college.

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