Oh, I got hot sause all over my bazito!

You know what this is? It's a brain sucker. You know what it's doing? Filing its tax return

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent apple pie

The Adventures of Little Ed Brave

Tell airport security your name is McCannister because you can hide anything in a cannister.

You know what? Nobody notices when this changes anyway.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and STFU

What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole

The black hole draws you inexorably inward. Time slows. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

I'd diddle little umdidlie... if she weren't my half-sister.

Abortion prevents pedophilia. In more ways than one!
Get Firefox!
I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."
Level 1

Notice to all users of the Holodeck:

There are safety protocols in place that cannot be deactivated without the approval of two commanding officers or the captain to protect users of the Holodeck from potential harm. However, every time the Holodeck is ever used in a nontrivial manner, no matter what the safety protocols say, the Holodeck turns into a deathtrap.

Unless you believe yourself to be adept at constructing a forcefield from your communicator and 19th century Earth tools, or you're at the very least not wearing a red shirt, you are strongly advised not to attempt to use the Holodeck until a designer comes up with a safety protocol that doesn't kill you whenever somebody looks at it funny. Even when you're not on the holodeck. Or in the same quadrant. Or time period.

In fact, if you are wearing a red shirt, Starfleet may not be the job for you

Ed

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Kwanzaa

Permalink 01/01/07 at 07:26:59 pm, by Ed, 187 words   English (US)
Categories: General

Wow, haven't been here in awhile. Things were crazy over the holidays, as I'm sure many will agree.

I got a bunch of great stuff for Kwanzaa. Here's a quick rundown:

  • A mini maglight
  • A leatherman multitool
  • much chocolate
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl: 2-disc special edition
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: 2-disc special edition
  • Pizza crust and sauce
  • socks
  • Gum
  • Some sort of bird ornament thing
  • Some other sort of green dangly ornament thing
  • Chocolate and cottonballs
  • Catch 22 (the book)
  • A Robotic Laser Ball
  • Some other sort of snowman in a stocking ornament thing
  • Night Watch (the DVD)
  • Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (the DVD)
  • A year planner
  • 15 pounds of flour
  • Pyrex Measuring cup (I'm told this is a good brand)
  • scoop spoons
  • Spamalot tickets
  • Psychonauts
  • a "reversible throw" (whatever that means)
  • Support the Performing Arts t-shirt with a silhouette of a strip-dancer
  • a 1-gig stick of ram

It is this last item that I recently installed in my computer. Now my swap file feels lonely and left out.

So I deleted it.

What, is that a bad thing?

Permalink 12/20/06 at 03:50:42 pm, by Ed, 51 words   English (US)
Categories: Media, Twins

Look at this picture and, if you know me, tell me it's not me. Because it isn't. It's a picture I found online on some forum from somebody I've never heard of. And yet, I can't shake the feeling that it looks exactly like a picture of me that somebody photoshopped.

My new Hate List

Permalink 12/18/06 at 04:58:13 pm, by Ed, 423 words   English (US)
Categories: General

A revised list of hate, for future reference:

  • Wireless devices. They never work like they say they do on the package, and I never smile like the people on the package either.
  • Battery companies. You just know that Wonka already invented the everlasting battery, but they took several of his loompa's hostage so he wouldn't release it. They're making a fortune every Christmas, and you know what I get out of it? Dead batteries in about two years.
  • Fluid dynamics. Seriously, you know how much simpler life would be without it? I'll tell you one thing, we wouldn't have ears. Everything would be visual, and I wouldn't have to worry about frickin' streaming audio. Or splashing myself with water. Or water at all.
  • Tape. The sticky kind. Especially Scotch-brand black electrical tape, which isn't nearly so sticky as I would like, and leaves behind a greater residue in a day than a month of not sweeping under the sofa, and I'm dead serious.
  • Geography. Why couldn't we all just live on a perfectly circular, flat continent with concentric rings of water called Circle Lake 1, Circle Lake 2, etc. with the land masses called Circular Land A, Circular Land B, etc. And it's humus all the way down to the core. All the way. Also, every point on the planet is always equidistant from the sun, which casts rays in all directions, not just straight out. I think I've adequately covered my hatred for climates and soils.
  • Wireless Devices. I think I've already mentioned this one. But seriously. They don't make sense in most cases. There are wired versions that work just fine, and the things you're making wireless don't even move anyway! I think this can combine with my hate for the battery companies. Until they make wireless electricity, wireless devices stay on my list twice.
  • Dogs. Dogs.
  • Dinky stupid little staplers that can only staple through one friggin' piece of paper at a time.
  • Ball-point pens. What's wrong with a pencil, people? Or if you really need it to be permanent, I've got a knife, we can use my blood.
  • "Upgrading". They call it a new driver. Heck, they released it only days ago. Now my video card breaks every time I play a 3D game. Screw you, ATI. Screw. You.

That is all. You have been notified. If I punch you in the face, expect your name to soon appear on this list.

A haiku for later.

Permalink 12/17/06 at 07:48:38 pm, by Ed, 16 words   English (US)
Categories: General

I wrote a haiku

which I was about to share,

but then I thought, "screw it."

The Earth is edible

Permalink 12/04/06 at 06:30:49 pm, by Ed, 112 words   English (US)
Categories: General

I just took a test in Intro To Geography. Here's an excerpt:

44. The core of the Earth is:

a) A liquid center surrounded by a solid crust

b) A solid center surrounded by a liquid crust

c) A chewy peanut-butter center surrounded by a chocolate crust

d) 16,000 miles below the Earth's surface

This guy doesn't usually make jokes, but I think he felt sorry for us. Our last test did not go so well.

In case you're wondering, the answer is B. If it were D, by the way, that would put the core of the Earth a little over another Earth's diameter distance away from the other side of the planet.

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